The Key to Decreasing Relational Disappointment
In every relationship, we are going to experience disappointment. Someone, somewhere, is going to let us down eventually. This could range from betrayal to misunderstanding, from moving on to moving up, or from distance to convenience and everywhere in between. When we enter into a relationship of any kind, the potential exists for some kind of hurt along the way.
Psychologically, people tend to make generalizations about others. Arne Roets, a researcher from Ghent University in Belgium, states, “Of course, everyone has to make decisions, but some people really hate uncertainty and therefore quickly rely on the most obvious information, often the first information they come across, to reduce it.” We lean towards taking the initial assessment we make and build a psychological profile of the people we encounter and react to it. Roets continues, “Social categories are useful to reduce complexity, but the problem is that we also assign some properties to these categories. This can lead to prejudice and stereotyping.” At first, this can seem safe, but eventually, it can lead to heartache.
Think about a close relative or significant other. When we hear a story of hurt or betrayal, we assume that the behavior should not happen because we’ve assigned properties to social categories like husband, sister, or best friend. We use language that reaches beyond the scope of human ability and reality by claiming these things should have never happened when in actuality, we have used these generalizations about people to encase people in expectations their humanity cannot measure up to.
Todd Rose, in his book The End of Average, tells a story about the quest to discover the anatomically prototypical woman in 1945. A previous study provided average values of anatomical measurements used as a baseline, and a survey was sent to 3,864 women in the Cleveland area. Surprisingly, not one woman was close to average in every dimension. The lesson to learn here is that no one is likely to be close to the average expectations set for them. To be clear, the connection being made here is the expectations of the average.
When we live our lives based on relational assessments and assumptions, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. Just living life will heed disappointment in one way or another, so why do we sign up for further heartache? Well, there is a way to hack this categorization to reduce the disappointment we face relationally. Instead of placing our hope in the social categories set up for us externally, redefine your assumptions internally.
For instance, instead of hoping the next person you meet will be a friend you have for life, assume that person will fulfill a meaningful purpose in your life, and you will do the same. The assumption might be for many that a person that is in your life forever would never hurt you, would never leave you, and so forth and on. Beth Beutler, author of Circles of Friendship: A Guided Journal for Learning to Think Clearly about Your Friendships, states in an interview with Forbes magazine “...not everyone has to be a best friend in order to enjoy the relationship we have with them.”
Instead, use the categories of reason, season, and lifetime and assign positive, wholesome definitions and labels to these categories. A neurosurgeon is in your life for a reason. As wonderful as the doctor may be, we express joy when the reason for that relationship is over. Perhaps there is a person who fulfilled a time in your life for a specific reason. When the relationship ends, there is a disappointment. To overcome this dismay, name the reason, call out the joy, and rest in it. A therapist is in your life for a season. Whether or not you think you need one, get one! Therapists are wonderful and can enhance that season in your life. You may only want a therapist for that season, even though they can make your life so much better. Perhaps you are still lamenting over a person that was in your life for a season. Could it be that you have missed the beauty of the season because of how fruitful that relationship was? Develop an appreciation for the season that person was in your life, and prepare for the new season; just as people put away summer decor and embrace the colors and temperature changes of fall. Perhaps the acronym, ENJOY, will help you to get the best out of your relationships
E - Energy
Manage your energy and excitement in your relationships. If you allow yourself to become too high or too low too quickly, you may miss the opportunity to take control mentally and emotionally.
N - Nuance
See the slight differences in every person and relationship. Be careful not to draw too many comparisons to past relationships and the emotions that come with them. Allow each person to be as unique as they truly are.
J - Judge
Be cautious not to judge the relationship outside of reasons, seasons, and lifetime. This may be the greatest hindrance to enjoying every relationship in your life.
O - Overlook
Take the high ground. At the high point is where perspective is most clear. What is happening at ground level is still real. But this vantage place means you have the ultimate control. Don’t lose control.
Y - Yield
This is a posture of patience. Remember the old Heinz Ketchup commercial? The best things come to those who wait. Don’t be hasty. You’ll eventually see all the worth and value that person has unfold soon enough.
We tend to take mental/emotional shortcuts with relationships. Now it’s time to make a different connection to relationships. Social categories have their purpose but don’t allow other people to make healthy decisions for you. Rather, take hold of the relationships in your life and categorize them in a more holistic way. Determine if it’s a reason, a season, or a lifetime relationship and enjoy the journey.